One of my classmates was a girl who had also been in my class during 3rd and 4th grade. She was extremely shy and kept to herself every bit as much as did I, and so we had never spoken before. One day as we left an assembly and headed toward the playground for recess, she called to me. I was surprised to hear my name on her quiet voice, so I walked over to where she leaned against a low block wall. Her wild, curly hair was cut much shorter than it had been a few short years before, and she wore glasses now. I thought the look suited her quite well. She said “I sit over here during recess, because no one else comes around this side of the building.” I told her I thought that was a good idea, and she offered for me to join her. She extended her bag of crackers to share with me, but I declined on account of my blood sugar concerns. I don’t recall what we talked about, but I remember thinking that it was one of the most enjoyable conversations I had ever had. She was much more graceful and caring than I had expected from the nervous outcast. In fact, almost immediately I regretted that I had never befriended her before. Conversation flowed easily between us, and I thought about how much more pleasant it had always been for me to talk to girls such as Cousin-L, S2 and K1, to say nothing of my friendship with R1. We made plans to spend recess together around that side of the assembly hall again, but this proved to be the only time we would ever speak.
We were on another one of our long motorcycle rides down to the far side of Corral Canyon, Father and I. One of the wider trails terminated under a grove of large oak trees, creating a fine place to rest before following one of the more challenging trails which split off in several directions. Father stopped and shut his bike off. Much to my surprise, he removed his helmet, signaling to me that he meant to rest for longer than I would have expected. We walked over and sat under one of the great oaks. He then proceeded to explain to me some few details about the nature of the human reproductive system. More than anything, I was mystified at his clear discomfort with the subject, but I found the information every bit as interesting as any other new thing. Something though, about the whole explanation left me feeling distant and a little dirty inside, as if I had done something I knew was wrong. I couldn’t place my finger on it then, but hearing Father talk about the differences between male and female bodies felt alien to me. As we rode the long, winding trail home, my thoughts ranged even wider than the path. Something about what Father had told me seemed wrong, and at odds with my own experience. For the first time, on that ride back to the van, I experienced what I now know as disassociation, and in my mind there is a large period afterward where I have no memories.
During our family vacation to Utah, we stopped by an ancient lava bed. The road meandered through a dense conifer forest. The parking area was surrounded by pine trees which reached up to a blue sky. A short walk down a trail and suddenly the forest was replaced by miles of shattered volcanic igneous rock, the uniformity of the grey stone broken only by the green and red lichen growing thereon. A sign had some interesting facts, which I read as sister ran back and forth along the edge of the enormous pile of rock.
Almost every day, Father would take me to school on the back of his motorcycle. I wore the same helmet I used when riding off road. The ride was enjoyable to me, as Father was an excellent motorcyclist, and rode through the hills at an exhilarating speed. One day, just a block from school, I saw a woman walking up the concrete paved hill. She was wearing an impossibly short skirt and dark sunglasses. I thought she looked so cool.
In the pediatrician’s office, there were two arcade cabinets, which were free to us kids. Asteroids was my favorite. I looked forward to playing it every time I was in the waiting room. One day, the office was running behind and so no one came out to call my name and interrupt my game. An hour and a half later, I still had not lost even one life, and the score was a number so large I didn’t know whether it even had a name or not. I knew then, that if left unperturbed, I could earn any score I wished on that game. It was only a matter of opportunity, of time.
After lunch, our teacher would read us a story. I’m not sure if her goal was to settle us after thirty minutes of unsupervised anarchy, or if we were supposed to be learning how to follow a multi-chapter story over the course of several weeks. At this point however, I was reading an entire young reader novel each evening after homework, dinner, and chores. The first two novels she read to us were utterly forgettable to me, and when she began reading us the classic “Where the Red Fern Grows” I expected it to be no different. So as to avoid spoiling the story for any of you who have never read the book, and were thereby subsequently robbed of your childhood, I will skip over the many emotions I felt over the following weeks, as the story slowly unfolded, a few pages at a time each day after lunch. As the teacher read the final pages of the story, tears welled up in my eyes, and soon it became clear to me that there was no point in trying to hide it. The tears ran down my cheeks and splashed on my desk, my body shuddered with emotion, and as she closed the book, I collapsed on my desk and sobbed uncontrollably. Around the class, I could hear other girls start to cry along with me. The teacher and classroom sat uncomfortably for what must have been thirty minutes before the teacher softly asked “Would anyone like to talk about how they feel about this story?” The silence was only broken as the girl sitting in the far corner resumed her heartbroken sobbing.
By now, R2 and I had made a regular event of watching Robotech together every afternoon. We had become so obsessed with the new cartoon that every other distraction was entirely forgotten. For the first time in our young memories, neither of us had asked for any of the new G.I. Joe or Transformers toys. When I discovered that the cartoon was also airing at 6am, I started getting up at 530am so I could be dressed enough to watch it from the living room television while I ate my breakfast. Then I found that the Mexican channel we picked up from across the border was also airing the show, so I watched that as well. It was during that time that one afternoon I was with Mother on a shopping trip into El Cajon to the Long’s Drug Store on Jamacha boulevard. As she did her shopping, I wandered off to the toy isle and looked over the tired old toy selections of models, plastic army men, and assorted water pistols. As I perused the isle with a bit of boredom, I saw with a burst of excitement a meaningful selection of Robotech action figures. They were of a size and build that was comparable to the G.I. Joe figures I was accustomed to collecting with R2. Of course, there were figures available for the main characters, the men who were pilots of giant transformable aircraft, but much to my surprise, there were figures for several of the female characters as well. I reached to the back of the shelf and scanned through the peg full of toys, looking for the blonde woman with the red motorcycle. She was nowhere to be found. I did see the flight commander who was the main character’s love interest, wearing the space suit she wore in only one episode I could recall. The yellow piping was not flattering, but I selected her anyway. Her and her pilot boyfriend. It seemed a safe choice, and indeed no one ever questioned it. At home, I opened the toys and posed them to sit next to each other on my bed frame. Their weapons quickly went missing, but I didn’t notice because by then Rick and Lisa were too busy holding hands on my window sill, looking out to the horizon, or at least the nearest pepper tree.